movie review: why i shouldn’t rent cult movies at family video

A couple weeks ago, since I’m kinda into scifi/fantasy crap, I rented some scifi fantasy movies. The two movies that I rented were Legend and that one with David Bowie when he sings. Aw, crap, what is the name of that movie. LABYRINTH! Yeah that one.

Basically I wasted 2 hours of my life watching this crap. I didn’t even make it through Legend because I though my brain was gonna ‘splode from sheer suckiness of that movie.

Basically the premise of Legend from the parts that I actually watched is that there’s annoying princess girl who’s using Tom Cruise so she can explore the forest because she’s got the first world problem of being a princess. And of course princesses can’t explore by themselves because if they don’t they get killed by some weird light thing that the main antagonist in the movie that I didn’t understand AT ALL.

Anyways, being the idiot he is and actually think that this annoying girl actually likes him, he lets her see these unicorns even though no one is supposed to see the unicorns. Which is stupid, what’s the fucking point of having unicorns if you can’t see them? That’s like getting your hair done but not being able to look in a mirror to admire how awesomely good your hair looks.

So god forbid, she’s sees the damn unicorn and then of course the unicorn gets killed by this troll thing and then it’s winter all of the sudden? I don’t know, I couldn’t get past the point that this girl voice sounds like someone scratching their nails on a chalkboard. LITERALLY. Then Tom Cruise’s character in this movie is so awkward that it made me even embarrassed to watch the movie. Plus it confirms how nasty looking he in FO REALZZZ life. At least in “A Few Good Men” he was kinda hot. Whatevs. Anyway, I had to turn it off because it was so stupid and I couldn’t take it anymore. Which is surprising because I’ll usually watch anything. Or at least watch it and make fun of it the entire time. (like every single twilight movie) That’s how bad that movie was.

Now Labyrinth, this movie was kinda different. Basically this girl has this crush on the troll king aka creepy ass old man twice her age aka David Bowie. So then she wishes her baby brother away and the trolls take him. Then David Bowie is like ha ha ha I have your baby brother and my name is David Booowiiieee. Then there’s a lot of weird singing.

One thing I would like to comment on is David Bowie’s crotch. I know, I know, off color thing for me to comment on, but it was just there. You couldn’t look away. It was one of those bad car crashes that are so bad that you just can’t look away. It literally was just…there.

Then there’s this weird undertone of him wanting to get together with this teenage girl even thought she’s like half his age. It’s like whoever directed the movie wanted the two of them to get together at some point but then thought it would be a nono and get their ass in trouble for like supporting overly wide age gaps in dating. I mean come on this guy had to be at least like 30 and she was like 15. That’s nasty. When she was a baby he was like hanging out in troll high school probably making out with all the troll girls in his class. Because in my mind he’s a huge sluuuuuut.

Then there was this really cool monster thing that got rocks to roll towards him. He was similar to a really hairy Hulk except the Hulk can’t summon rocks. Just imagine that. If you get shitty with someone, you can be like, growling and then all of the sudden you close down 465 because there’s rocks everywhere. That would kick ass. Or you could cancel work indefinitely. That’s a nice prospect. You just can’t let people find out it’s you doing it. If I were me, I would blame it on the weird guy who doesn’t talk a lot. Or the smelly kid. Or IT.

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Sweet Talkin’ Ken on the Phone

Vanessa and I play with this talking Ken doll that I make say bad things.

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jagoff matchmaker

Today, due to our adequacy in finding jagoffs and just plain losers, Ellie and I decided we are going to start a service called Jagoff Matchmakers.

And it goes like so:

*cue in really cool theme song*


“Guaranteed to treat you like shit and make your life hell…or you’re money back!”

So the whole plan is for us to find a bunch of jagoff guys and then tell them that we are these really cool hip people who run a dating service but we really don’t. Then we will get willing “victims” to go out with dudes. Then we charge both parties for their services and WAH LA! Instant cash. Then we both can afford to go on millionaire matchmaker then.

Plus if the girls really want to get back at these douchy guys then they can go on dates with them and do the shitty stuff they normally do to the jagoff. Then its like SORRY BOUTCHA DUDE. Maybe you shouldn’t be a shit head. Just sayin’.

Anyways, this project is in it’s infancy stage, we’re open to any suggestions, comments, or potential investors. I mean, this is pretty much a big deal right. I could totally quit my day job for this. I MEAN LOOK AT THAT HIGH PROFILE GRAPHIC I MADE. It only took me life 10 minutes to make, BUT STILL.


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website review: why sucks

Today instead of bitching about the normal things I bitch about (i.e. why does __ always happen to me), I am going to talk about

Yours truly, rented several books from this website last semester thinking she was going to save money and not get screwed over.

Boy, I was wrong.

So I return my books right when I was done with them in May. Why would I want books that I am never going to read / use / take up space in my room? That’s what I thought. So I return these suckers. I get no response saying, hey, got your books, so I assumed everything was all fine and dandy.

Until I get a notice from a debt collector last week saying that I owe them 25 bucks. WTF. So I go and call the debt collector and I am like “dude, I turned all my books in.” Then the debt collector tells me I didn’t turn this book in that I know for a fact that I turned in.

So I call these stupid shits at neebo and I am like, hey, jagoffs, I turned my book in so fucking credit me back. Then this lady proceeds to tell me that they couldn’t take my book back due to “beverage stains”.

BEVERAGE STAINS MY FUCKING ASS. I take VERY good care of my books. There absolutely no way that book had beverage stains. I even used that book a lot for the ungodly tests that I had take for the class the book was used in. I know for a fact there was nothing wrong with the book. I would totally own up to something like that, but I know for a fact there was nothing wrong with my book.

SECOND OF ALL, thanks for ruining my fucking credit score for 25 dollars when you could have told me THREE FUCKING MONTHS IN ADVANCE that there was something “wrong” with my book. But no, let’s be really shady, not inform you of anything, then get a debt collection agency after you. Because that totally makes so much sense.

Either way, don’t order books from there because they suck.

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How to Be Random

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smug bastard

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As much as I want to grow up and be a nerd, another thing that I would like to be is an inventor. Just think how fun it would be. That’s one of those jobs that doesn’t really feel like a job. Plus you can show up in your pajamas and no one can say anything about it. I mean, shit, you could not shower for a couple days and no one could say anything.

Anyways, I compiled a list of things that I would like to invent someday.


  1. time machine: Embarrassing memory that you want to erase? Want to kick a former lover in the nads? Relive the good times? All this would be possible if I could someone figure out how to build a time machine. I am prolly going to have to learn some physics and stuff, but I think I could wing it. I mean, I understand how when I peg Jigglypuff with items in Super Smash Bros that has to do with mechanics and trajectories. And I have a feeling there is going to be some ridiculous thing that you need for a time machine like instant chocolate pudding or meatloaf.

  2. gadget that punches people when they are bring rude, interrupt a conversation, or be a bitch needlessly/over dramatic over something ridiculous:


  3. A printer that would print shit that you buy off the interwebz: If you are like me and have absolutely no patience, this would be awesome. I hate waiting for stuff that I buy online. It’s probably one of the most annoying things ever. But with this invention, a hot five minutes and BAM, a copy of my latest order is there. Video games, food, clothes, etc. You know how nice it would be when you are drunk off your ass and all you have to do is print out a pizza? That’s what I thought.

  4. virtual reality: With this, I could live out any fantasy I wanted. Being ridiculously good looking. Actually being good at swimming. Having the Steelers win the Super Bowl each year. No such thing as Peyton Manning. I have a hot husband. Exercising makes you fat and video games make you skinny. But that’s just my virtual reality. Yours could be like whatever you wanted. Hell, you could make it so rains chocolate chips and people talk out of their eyes if you want. Okay, second part is freaking weird, but you get what I’m saying.
  5. So basically I need to get more learnding done this semester so I can become an evil super genius and make all this stuff.

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