movie review: why i shouldn’t rent cult movies at family video

A couple weeks ago, since I’m kinda into scifi/fantasy crap, I rented some scifi fantasy movies. The two movies that I rented were Legend and that one with David Bowie when he sings. Aw, crap, what is the name of that movie. LABYRINTH! Yeah that one.

Basically I wasted 2 hours of my life watching this crap. I didn’t even make it through Legend because I though my brain was gonna ‘splode from sheer suckiness of that movie.

Basically the premise of Legend from the parts that I actually watched is that there’s annoying princess girl who’s using Tom Cruise so she can explore the forest because she’s got the first world problem of being a princess. And of course princesses can’t explore by themselves because if they don’t they get killed by some weird light thing that the main antagonist in the movie that I didn’t understand AT ALL.

Anyways, being the idiot he is and actually think that this annoying girl actually likes him, he lets her see these unicorns even though no one is supposed to see the unicorns. Which is stupid, what’s the fucking point of having unicorns if you can’t see them? That’s like getting your hair done but not being able to look in a mirror to admire how awesomely good your hair looks.

So god forbid, she’s sees the damn unicorn and then of course the unicorn gets killed by this troll thing and then it’s winter all of the sudden? I don’t know, I couldn’t get past the point that this girl voice sounds like someone scratching their nails on a chalkboard. LITERALLY. Then Tom Cruise’s character in this movie is so awkward that it made me even embarrassed to watch the movie. Plus it confirms how nasty looking he in FO REALZZZ life. At least in “A Few Good Men” he was kinda hot. Whatevs. Anyway, I had to turn it off because it was so stupid and I couldn’t take it anymore. Which is surprising because I’ll usually watch anything. Or at least watch it and make fun of it the entire time. (like every single twilight movie) That’s how bad that movie was.

Now Labyrinth, this movie was kinda different. Basically this girl has this crush on the troll king aka creepy ass old man twice her age aka David Bowie. So then she wishes her baby brother away and the trolls take him. Then David Bowie is like ha ha ha I have your baby brother and my name is David Booowiiieee. Then there’s a lot of weird singing.

One thing I would like to comment on is David Bowie’s crotch. I know, I know, off color thing for me to comment on, but it was just there. You couldn’t look away. It was one of those bad car crashes that are so bad that you just can’t look away. It literally was just…there.

Then there’s this weird undertone of him wanting to get together with this teenage girl even thought she’s like half his age. It’s like whoever directed the movie wanted the two of them to get together at some point but then thought it would be a nono and get their ass in trouble for like supporting overly wide age gaps in dating. I mean come on this guy had to be at least like 30 and she was like 15. That’s nasty. When she was a baby he was like hanging out in troll high school probably making out with all the troll girls in his class. Because in my mind he’s a huge sluuuuuut.

Then there was this really cool monster thing that got rocks to roll towards him. He was similar to a really hairy Hulk except the Hulk can’t summon rocks. Just imagine that. If you get shitty with someone, you can be like, growling and then all of the sudden you close down 465 because there’s rocks everywhere. That would kick ass. Or you could cancel work indefinitely. That’s a nice prospect. You just can’t let people find out it’s you doing it. If I were me, I would blame it on the weird guy who doesn’t talk a lot. Or the smelly kid. Or IT.

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About panthersofamerica

I am a crazed 26 year old who is mentally 7 years old. I love the internetz and making people laugh, so what's better than having a blog full of stuff that makes people laugh? Nothing, that's what I tell you.
This entry was posted in bizarre, emotions, funny, movie review, ranting. Bookmark the permalink.

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