Right now on this Christmas Eve at 3:06 AM, I am going to explain to you why it’s beneficial for me, RACHELLE, to learn Croatian. And I promise, there several ways that it will be good for me, and I guess it would be okay for you.
RACHELLE’S REASONS FOR LEARNING CROATIAN THAT WILL SAVE HER ASS AND YOURS EVENTUALLY
- NUMERO UNO: It makes me look more intelligent. If I learn a new language, I am going to go up a couple pegs in the intelligence book. “Wow, she knows like two different languages and I am lame and only know like one.” (side-note: screw you if you aren’t in the majority that only knows one) Then people will think that I am soooo much smarter and awesome. Then people will see that you associate with me and think wow, you are so smart and awesome since you are friends with a girl who knows more than two languages. So then your popularity raises too because you are associated with me. WHICH ENDS UP BEING WIN WIN FOR BOTH US. WE BOTH LOOK COOLER. Unless this doesn’t go the foreseeable route and people think I am weirder, in which case you are screeeewwweedddd there boyfriend/girlfriend.
- BROJ DVA: I CAN BE YOUR PERSONAL BOUNCER Let’s say that we are out somewhere and this stranger keeps on hitting on you. “Hey baby, why don’t you and me go out and do the nasty?” or whatever you crazy ass people are saying these days. All you have to say is, “HEJ BROZ”, and you will have yourself a crazy ass girl screaming random ass phrases in Croatian. This dude isn’t going to know what I am saying. Only 18 million people speak the language and that’s a extreme likelihood he’s not going to have any fucking idea what I am saying. I could tell him that he had waffles in his pants and you could be like “yeah, she said something about burning your house down and killing the king. Oh, yeah, she’s still refering to World War I. Rachel why are you still bitter about that? That was almost 100 years ago.” Then I can go on and on and on, and eventually this guy is going to get so weirded out that he’ll just leave. JACKPOT NO MORE CREEPOS.
- NUMBER THREE: I CAN AVOID PEOPLE I DON’T LIKE. DOES THIS EVER HAPPEN TO YOU?
“Oh look I’m at home at the grocery store. Oh shit, there’s that dumb asshole from high school who told me that I looked like an elf. Crap, crap, he saw me, I don’t want to talk to you, fucktard. DON’T WALK OVER HERE. AWWWW, FUCK, HI SHITHEAD.”
WELL NOT ANYMORE WITH CROATIAN LANGUAGE EDUCATION. *magic sounds* With learning this foreign language, you can avoid any foolish asshole who thinks that you magically want to be friends with them after high school even though they were complete prick to you. Yeahhh, people change. haha, yeah people change, MY FUCKING ASS. MY PROGRAM WORKS AS SO: Jagoff approaches you in awkward place like grocery, hardware, pet, or EVEN WORSE, best buy store. You pretend like they don’t exist. Finally, when they say, Rachelle, you look at them and say? “što? koji kurac si ti?” (translates to: what? who the fuck are you?) When they say something again, you say, Ne šupak, imam vafli u moje hlače. (No asshole, I have waffles in my pants.) The person will most likely be like WTF just happened, be so embarrassed, or think that you are entirely new person. I am banking on thinking that you are entirely a new person which makes them look like a jackass. To make this even better, start speaking english with a sales associate to make them think that they are even more crazy. haha jagoff.
- WHAT IS FOUR IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE BESIDES CROATIAN, SPANISH, AND ENGRISH?!: I can pick you up hot foreign men.
If you are into Eastern European guys, you are in luck. Because I will be able to talk you up a storm. Hey Ivan, my really hot friend think you are cute. You should totally talk to her. Except don’t tell me this when I am intoxicated because it will more likely end up like “Hey Ivan, DO HERRRRRR!” Plus they will somehow magically trust me because I speak their language. I mean there’s like 18 million of us. It will be like a tight knit following of people speaking a language that no one really knows about it anyway. It will be like a secret code…that’s totally accessible to the public. Damnit, if I was smarter I manipulate l337 5I>34I< into my own language. I would have like 30 different way to say fuck like eskimos have like eighty different words for snow.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THAT IT’S GOOD FOR YOU THAT I SPEAK CROATIAN BECAUSE I AM GOING TO BE ABLE TO HELP A BROTHA OUT. MERRY CHRISTMASSSSSS.