s&*t my dad says

These are all direct quotes and conversations from my father.  None of this shit (sadly) is made up.

(sitting at dinner watching TV show about archaeology)
Me: Hey Dad, did you know that Zahi Hawass guy got canned?
Dad: Who the hell is that?
Me:  The Minister of State for Antiquities for Egypt!
Dad: Is that that the guy on TV?
Me: Yes, Dad, the guy on TV.
*insert another five minutes of trying to explain who this guy is*
Me: Yes, Dad, it’s him.
Dad: *long pause*  Maybe they caught him making out with one of the mummies.

(sitting in the living room with my parents watching TV)
Me:  OH MY GOD,  WHAT DO I SAY TO HIM?!  Mom, why did you make me text him?!
Dad: Why don’t you say, “Yo, yo, yo, I’ll get back to you in a minizzle.”

(driving around trying to find something to eat)
Dad: I really wanted to go to Ming’s Wok.  I wonder if there’s a guy named Ming there and he’ll say, “HI MY NAME MING DIS MY WOK.”

(driving home from work)
Dad: Dego Fest! It’s a WOPing good time!

(listening to Robert Palmer’s Addicted to Love)
Dad: You’re gonna have to face it you’re a chick with big jugs.

(eating breakfast in the morning)
Dad: I hate people who buy those stupid cappuchino mochachino shit.  All I want is fucking coffee.  I’m going to open a store up, and all its going to sell is fucking coffee.  So if some idiots comes up and asks for a mocha frocka frappchino, I’m going to say “GUESS WHAT?! All we have is fucking coffee”.

(getting picked up at work by my dad)
Me: *opens the door*
Dad: Who’s that dork? *points to someone outside*

(watching the weather on the news)
Dad: Hey look, its Picante.
Me: DAD HER NAME IS CHIKAGE.
Dad: Yeah, Picante!

Also not to mention whenever I talk about someone I know:
Dad: *insert name*…*insert name* who?
Me: Dad, the only *insert name* I know.
Dad:  Wait is that chick from Brownsburg?
Me: Dad, not the chick from Brownsburg.
Dad: Oh.

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About panthersofamerica

I am a crazed 26 year old who is mentally 7 years old. I love the internetz and making people laugh, so what's better than having a blog full of stuff that makes people laugh? Nothing, that's what I tell you.
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