These are all direct quotes and conversations from my father. None of this shit (sadly) is made up.
(sitting at dinner watching TV show about archaeology)
Me: Hey Dad, did you know that Zahi Hawass guy got canned?
Dad: Who the hell is that?
Me: The Minister of State for Antiquities for Egypt!
Dad: Is that that the guy on TV?
Me: Yes, Dad, the guy on TV.
*insert another five minutes of trying to explain who this guy is*
Me: Yes, Dad, it’s him.
Dad: *long pause* Maybe they caught him making out with one of the mummies.
(sitting in the living room with my parents watching TV)
Me: OH MY GOD, WHAT DO I SAY TO HIM?! Mom, why did you make me text him?!
Dad: Why don’t you say, “Yo, yo, yo, I’ll get back to you in a minizzle.”
(driving around trying to find something to eat)
Dad: I really wanted to go to Ming’s Wok. I wonder if there’s a guy named Ming there and he’ll say, “HI MY NAME MING DIS MY WOK.”
(driving home from work)
Dad: Dego Fest! It’s a WOPing good time!
(listening to Robert Palmer’s Addicted to Love)
Dad: You’re gonna have to face it you’re a chick with big jugs.
(eating breakfast in the morning)
Dad: I hate people who buy those stupid cappuchino mochachino shit. All I want is fucking coffee. I’m going to open a store up, and all its going to sell is fucking coffee. So if some idiots comes up and asks for a mocha frocka frappchino, I’m going to say “GUESS WHAT?! All we have is fucking coffee”.
(getting picked up at work by my dad)
Me: *opens the door*
Dad: Who’s that dork? *points to someone outside*
(watching the weather on the news)
Dad: Hey look, its Picante.
Me: DAD HER NAME IS CHIKAGE.
Dad: Yeah, Picante!
Also not to mention whenever I talk about someone I know:
Dad: *insert name*…*insert name* who?
Me: Dad, the only *insert name* I know.
Dad: Wait is that chick from Brownsburg?
Me: Dad, not the chick from Brownsburg.