How to Be Random

smug bastard

inventions

As much as I want to grow up and be a nerd, another thing that I would like to be is an inventor. Just think how fun it would be. That’s one of those jobs that doesn’t really feel like a job. Plus you can show up in your pajamas and no one can say anything about it. I mean, shit, you could not shower for a couple days and no one could say anything.

Anyways, I compiled a list of things that I would like to invent someday.

RACHELLE’S THINGS SHE PLANS TO INVENT SOMEDAY

1. time machine: Embarrassing memory that you want to erase? Want to kick a former lover in the nads? Relive the good times? All this would be possible if I could someone figure out how to build a time machine. I am prolly going to have to learn some physics and stuff, but I think I could wing it. I mean, I understand how when I peg Jigglypuff with items in Super Smash Bros that has to do with mechanics and trajectories. And I have a feeling there is going to be some ridiculous thing that you need for a time machine like instant chocolate pudding or meatloaf.




2. gadget that punches people when they are bring rude, interrupt a conversation, or be a bitch needlessly/over dramatic over something ridiculous:
   

   

3. A printer that would print shit that you buy off the interwebz: If you are like me and have absolutely no patience, this would be awesome. I hate waiting for stuff that I buy online. It’s probably one of the most annoying things ever. But with this invention, a hot five minutes and BAM, a copy of my latest order is there. Video games, food, clothes, etc. You know how nice it would be when you are drunk off your ass and all you have to do is print out a pizza? That’s what I thought.




4. virtual reality: With this, I could live out any fantasy I wanted. Being ridiculously good looking. Actually being good at swimming. Having the Steelers win the Super Bowl each year. No such thing as Peyton Manning. I have a hot husband. Exercising makes you fat and video games make you skinny. But that’s just my virtual reality. Yours could be like whatever you wanted. Hell, you could make it so rains chocolate chips and people talk out of their eyes if you want. Okay, second part is freaking weird, but you get what I’m saying.

So basically I need to get more learnding done this semester so I can become an evil super genius and make all this stuff.

things on my mind

So I don’t have enough of material to talk about one subject so I am going to hit on a bunch of things that I want to talk about.

1. Today I listened to music so I could download stuff to listen to for swimming. So I find this song called “Video Games” by Lana de Ray. So I get really excited thinking yeahhh, a song about video games, this is going to be awesome only to be disappointed that the song is definitely not about video games.

2. I am two completely different people. During normal times, this is what I am usually like:

During swim practice times, this is what I am like:

3. I like how I tell myself that I am going to do something over christmas break yet I know I won’t end up doing it. This is the list of shit I was supposed to do during christmas break.

• Read a book
• Learn Javascript
• Learn Java
• Learn other languages
• Search for jobs
• Make more bracelets
• Practice Croatian
• Write more in blog and make youtube videos

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH…why do I do this to myself? You know what I did all break? Surf the internet, play video games, sleep, swim, sleep more, etc. Completely counterproductive. Next time I make a list, I should just make it, play video games, sleep, swim, waste countless hours on the internet. Then I’ll get the stuff that I want done since I will be doing the opposite of what I should be doing.

4. So today was my last (FINALLY) Christmas training practice of my life. I never will be forced to swim during Christmas ever again. I can now think of winter as a happy time of year instead of the most depressing part EVAR.

5. These are phrases that I use constantly.

• Jagoff – as in “quit bein’ a jagoff” or “you jagoff!”
• Lo siento – as in “Rachel, you need to do this all underwater.” “LO SIENTO, CAN’T DO.”
• Me gusta – as in “TEEN GIRL SQUAD!” “ME GUSTA”
• Do you remember – as in “Do you remember the time we got really drunk and ate macaroni and cheese in my bathtub? That was great.”
• *enter any expletive here* – as in “Oh that guy is just a fuckin jagoff, he doesn’t know what he’s talkin about.”

6. I was facebook stalking this guy the other day for my friend. So this stupid kid at my school that everyone says is soooooo gorgeous comes up on the comments. He had this gay lookin picture, so I look at it. Curiosity sweeps me, and I look at his information. Then, I find the most terrible thing ever.

THIS NERD LIKES THE STEELERS.

Stupid tan people who don’t know what prepositions are not allowed to like the Steelers. Okay, fine, yes, people from Pittsburgh are hard to understand and may or may not sound like they are stupid, but that doesn’t count. Then just think, another stupid idiot fan being obnoxious and making an ass out of himself to make all of the cool fans look bad.

…maybe I should reevaluate this.

7. And as one may guess now, I hate Tim Tebow now. I hope New England eats them alive. To be honest, I am kinda glad the Steelers didn’t make it because of all the injuries they had. They would have been embarrassed if they played New England. Anyway, Teblow, your time is up.

And I am so sick of this Christian bullshit. I am Christian, do I shove it in your face? No. This is one of those stupid publicity stunts that players pull so they get people to like them. Then like 3 years later you find out he owned a whore house and was staging dog fights in his basement (a la Vick). Okay maybe not that, but something down right shady. Like pirating illegal video games on his computer. Yeah, yeah, that’s down right horrible.

I am too tired for a good illegal imagination.

a future projection of myself at work in five years

see more The Daily What

wild card weekend

So this weekend starts the playoffs. Usually wild card weekend is boring and I could really give a shit what’s going on. But this season, the Steelers are playing Teb…I mean the Broncos.

Whenever I think of the matchup, I think about this clip from pokemon with Squirtle.

In case one may not get it:

• the people getting eaten are the Broncos
• Squirtle is yours truly
• Charmander is one of my logical friends
• Pikachu is a Ravens fan (…asshole)
• Bulbasaur would probably be one of my friends that doesn’t care about football

Now one may say, well Rachel, you make it very obvious about your attraction for a player for the Broncos whose name may or may not be Tim Tebow. Well, let me tell you, in football, yes, being really magnificently gorgeous is very, very important, but there is one thing that wins overall.

Does he play for the Steelers? No. Plus he’s prolly a douchebag in real life. Most people THAT beautiful must have some type of hitch. Plus it will make it more fun to watch Jamie-o and Woodley pummel the shit out of him for four quarters.

Like so.

200 word rant

So now, I am going to rant for less than 200 words. Let’s see if I can get my point across or if I will miserably fail.

Today when enjoying my food at dinner, this nerd was sitting these people down at their table behind us. First he says something the effect of, you shouldn’t be wearing that around here to this woman. The woman is wearing this purdue shirt and is like wtf. Then he goes on and on about whatever team that he loves (which is a train too, oddly). Then he makes some dick comment to her as he’s leaving the table like “my train could run over your train any day”.

HEY NERD FACE. First off, that last thing you said makes absolutely no sense whatsoever and makes you sound dumb, fo real. Second of all, is she paying you to give your opinion about your stupid college team? No. She is paying you to get her food from the damn kitchen and bring it back to her table. Not listen to your lame ass.

177 words, niiiice. I should go into the writing less than 200 word rants business.