football teams i hate and the reasoning why i hate them, part 3

<img src=”http://cache.blippitt.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/NFL-Teams.jpg”&gt;

Now that we are getting back to good ol’ football season, I thought this would be an adequate time to discuss more of the football teams I hate.  Because I pretty much hate all of them.  Well except for the Steelers, cause they’re awesome and stuff.  I mean, look at Antonio Brown’s face. You can’t look at him straight in the eye and hate him.  So yeah he spartan kicked a punter from the Browns in the face, but he’s still awesome.

Ahem.

1. Patriots – The Patriots are just jags.  Let’s be honest.  You have a prissy quarterback that complains every time he’s get sacked plus his hair was cut like Justin Bieber.  Then there was some stupid jerk who played for them that punched Ben, and that pissed me off.  Besides that, can you think of one person that actually like them that does not live in Boston area?  I’m pretty sure everyone hates them.  Actually like 99% sure everyone hates them.

2. Browns – You know that stupid, pathetic kid in class that tries to pick fights with you and thinks that they are smarter than you and in reality you could pwn them in like less than 30 seconds?  That is the Browns.  Literally, the Browns literally suck all the time.  But then, of course, when the Steelers play the Browns, you have that whole rivalry crap and then instantly they play okay and then we almost get beat and I really want to rip my hair out.  But then there’s times when we beat them on Christmas Eve like 41-0. (That was fun game to watch, especially when Antwaan Randle-El threw that flea flicker pass to Hines Ward and all the Browns are just standing there watching Hines Ward run into the end zone)

3. Jaguars – Well the Jags…are pretty much Jags.

4. Raiders – Think of the biggest screw up in your life.  Could be your brother, sister, or friend that went the white trash route.  The Raiders are the screw ups of the NFL similarly to the Browns.   They go for those too good to be true scams.  I can get 10K for giving my banking account to this Nigerian prince in an email!  This is awesome, I’ll go for it.  That in a nutshell, is the Oakland Raiders.  This is another team where players go to end their careers.

5. Eagles – Okay, seriously, who the hell boos Santa Clause off the the field?  Oh wait, Eagles fans.  These fans are that really big bully that you were scared to walk past in school.  The weird thing is, that the Eagles usually are let down.  Holy crap, we almost made it to the playoffs, oh shit we lost to a really shitty team because Michael Vick got hurt when a fly landed on his shoulder.  I know Nick Foles in the QB now, but that’s how it used to be.  I really don’t have a huge problem with them, to be honest.

6. Green Bay – Meh.  I’m still pissed at those A-holes for the Super Bowl in 2010.  Fucking Steelers.  Fun fact about that game is that I, in fact, did not throw a hissy fit.  Normally I do, but I did not.  Personally, I think they are like the hipster team.  Yeah, yeah, you say their fans are awesome, but not as awesome as Stiller fans.  We are the bomb.  We speak broken english, eat Primanti Brothers, get really drunk and get in fights with people.  What more can you ask for?

7. Saints – I like them for beating the Colts.  I remember when that dude picked the pass off, my entire family is screaming at the top of their lungs GO GO GO GO.  And then when he scored, of course I start yelling Fuck you Peyton Manning!  Oh god, that next day at school was so wonderful.  Especially after all the bullshit I got from people after the Steelers won.  “Oh, the Steelers cheated.  James Harrison punched a guy in the face, wah, wah, wah.”  Whatever, we got 6 rings beeetches.

8.  Seahawks – I like these guys too.  Russell Wilson is a boss.  And I wish Marshawn Lynch played for the Steelers, he is freaking awesome too. I love how he sticks to his guns and doesn’t let the media get to him.  He’s just there to play football and he’s awesome at it.  I wouldn’t be surprised if they won the Super Bowl again.

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Words Just Added to the Oxford Dictionary

Apparently the people who make the Oxford dictionary of learnding added some new words recently during their quarterly update.

Here a list of the words:

You know the one year they added bootylicious and everyone was in a huge uproar about it?  Why aren’t people in uproar about this?  Half of the crap in the list I have never heard about or don’t know what the hell it’s referring to.

My bone to pick is the word braggadocious.  WTF?  Wouldn’t it be easier to just to say, “it sounds very arrogant to say that I’m the best” or “i’m not a very modest guy”. Instead, some idiot came up with some ridiculously long word when you could have used two perfectly good words that were ten times shorter.  Who the hell is going to remember how to spell that anyway?  Some people spell angel as angle.  Do you think people are going to remember how to spell that word? No.

I am going to use all of these words in a sentence.

After I wear a baggy green, I am going to go to the store with my cane corso and by some burrata.  Since I have the money to buy that, I am going to act like a braggadocious prick.  Too bad I have a touchless dumb phone or I would have taken pictures of it.  I tell people I’m a flexitarian because I can’t decide if it’s cooler to be a vegetarian or to like meat so I just eat both.  Maybe this hump day I’ll decide…

There is so much cruft in this computer program.  It’s basically a feature complete FOSS.  Too bad my computer doesn’t have a SSD hard drive.  That’s why guys always keep in the friend zone.  Plus I tend to look schlumpy all the time.  Long hair don’t care.

I need an appletini so I can get blootered.  Then I’ll really be tweetable.  Stupid social sharing.  Plus I could eat an entire tray bake and they won’t upcharge me because the people will feel bad.  I wonder if my silliage will be of appletini…

My metabolic syndrome medicine is very biosimilar to reese puffs.  Maybe I shouldn’t have so much range anxiety.

The following two word officially suck: omnium and voluntourism.

this post is full of so much winn……

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What was the one experience that completely changed your life? What happened? How did it change your life?

Well there was this one time that I went to go get orange leaf.  Usually I only get the birthday cake and the brownie batter froyo, since I am huge creature of habit.  I was about to get the birthday cake and brownie batter, but there it was: cookies and cream frozen yogurt.  Normally I think anything red velvet is disgusting but I just got this urging to try it.  So I took a leap of faith, and filled the 12 oz plastic bowl of love with some cookies and cream froyo.

Then I bought my froyo from the snotty 17 year old girl at the cash register who looked like she didn’t want to be there and would rather be making out with her college age boyfriend that her parents don’t know about.  I sat down on one of those weird funky plastic chairs they had and went in for the kill.  My tastebuds were on high of oreo cooking amazingness.  And to make it even better, I added cookie dough into the mix so it was like double cookie in yo faceness.

And that experience truly changed my life.  It’s sooooooo definitely not as important as getting a degree or getting my first job.

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indianapolis yellow cab

So yesterday I notched another name to my mortal enemies list. Right under Kristen Stewart is now this lovely company that has continued to screw me over when I need them:

fuckin' skanks

Cabs. You’d think that they’d be easy thinks to get. You know, just call them and be like hey, pick me up, and then they would dispatch a driver to come pick you. Normally, you’d think to wait about 15-20 minutes for a cab to come pick you up.

nope.

If you are Indianapolis Yellow Cab, I am told that someone will come pick me up in 15-20 minutes and then an hour later I get phone call saying that they haven’t even dispatched a rider to come pick us up. Then tell me they are working to get me another cab. Then I say fuck it and call another company (which I will affectionately will talk about in a bit) and by the time that I get to Broad Ripple, they have the audacity to call me and tell me they are on their way.

This is the third time you guys have not picked me up and I will let you know this: You will never get my business again.

Now, the people that I did call, Gold Cab, they were awesome. I had this super interesting cool conversation about tribes in Africa. Both of the cab drivers thought I was really smart because I was talking about when the British and French drew all the boundaries and royally fucked everyone over. Then the one cab driver was like yeah yeah we hate the French. And then I was like, let’s be honest man, who doesn’t hate French people? Most French people I’ve encountered hate America and were rude. And probably smelly. But that’s beside the point.

You guys are lucky there’s no cabs category at the review company that I am closely affiliated with that may or may not have the name Angie in the name. Because I would writing a really bad review about you all.

So basically the tl;dr version of this is not use the Indianapolis Yellow Cab because they suck and lie about when they are going to pick you up.

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good idea

So recently I got this really super genius idea that I should start getting people to set me up on blind dates.

Here’s the premise. One of my friends is bound to have single friends. There is a 76 percent chance that you have at least one eligible* friend out of your friend group that I will be willing to go on a date with.

*

And I have to have at least one single that you would want to go on a date with. And if not, you’ll go and you’ll like it!

So it’s perfect networking.

But then again. You don’t know what you are getting yourself into. What if I completely hype up whomever and they turn out be super freaking weird. Like the one time my sister set me up that stupid guy who sold her that cell phone and then he told me that poor people should euthanized. And she told me he was a hot football player. Nooooot.

Then there’s the whole, well, you thought it was great but in reality it sucked point that you have to get across to if things don’t go well.

That’s why I always tell people that I don’t want to go on dates with anymore that I am going to see this weird foreign film called panthers of america with a friend. Then I make up this really weird plot up when they ask me what it is about so they get weirded out. So then when I excommunicate them, then their last memory is me seeing that weird ass movie and then they don’t feel bad about not talking to me anymore? I don’t know, that’s how it works out in my mind.

I don’t know what you people think. Hell I don’t even know what I am thinking half the time.

The moral of the story is that blind dating is good for networking but if you don’t like the guy make up weird foreign films. Which is double awesome because what if you come up with the plot for the next Oscar winning movie just because you were getting out of a second date? Eh, EH?!

By the way, I get 50% of the cut if that ever happens because I just gave you that idea. BAM.

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movie review: why i shouldn’t rent cult movies at family video

A couple weeks ago, since I’m kinda into scifi/fantasy crap, I rented some scifi fantasy movies. The two movies that I rented were Legend and that one with David Bowie when he sings. Aw, crap, what is the name of that movie. LABYRINTH! Yeah that one.

Basically I wasted 2 hours of my life watching this crap. I didn’t even make it through Legend because I though my brain was gonna ‘splode from sheer suckiness of that movie.

Basically the premise of Legend from the parts that I actually watched is that there’s annoying princess girl who’s using Tom Cruise so she can explore the forest because she’s got the first world problem of being a princess. And of course princesses can’t explore by themselves because if they don’t they get killed by some weird light thing that the main antagonist in the movie that I didn’t understand AT ALL.

Anyways, being the idiot he is and actually think that this annoying girl actually likes him, he lets her see these unicorns even though no one is supposed to see the unicorns. Which is stupid, what’s the fucking point of having unicorns if you can’t see them? That’s like getting your hair done but not being able to look in a mirror to admire how awesomely good your hair looks.

So god forbid, she’s sees the damn unicorn and then of course the unicorn gets killed by this troll thing and then it’s winter all of the sudden? I don’t know, I couldn’t get past the point that this girl voice sounds like someone scratching their nails on a chalkboard. LITERALLY. Then Tom Cruise’s character in this movie is so awkward that it made me even embarrassed to watch the movie. Plus it confirms how nasty looking he in FO REALZZZ life. At least in “A Few Good Men” he was kinda hot. Whatevs. Anyway, I had to turn it off because it was so stupid and I couldn’t take it anymore. Which is surprising because I’ll usually watch anything. Or at least watch it and make fun of it the entire time. (like every single twilight movie) That’s how bad that movie was.

Now Labyrinth, this movie was kinda different. Basically this girl has this crush on the troll king aka creepy ass old man twice her age aka David Bowie. So then she wishes her baby brother away and the trolls take him. Then David Bowie is like ha ha ha I have your baby brother and my name is David Booowiiieee. Then there’s a lot of weird singing.

One thing I would like to comment on is David Bowie’s crotch. I know, I know, off color thing for me to comment on, but it was just there. You couldn’t look away. It was one of those bad car crashes that are so bad that you just can’t look away. It literally was just…there.

Then there’s this weird undertone of him wanting to get together with this teenage girl even thought she’s like half his age. It’s like whoever directed the movie wanted the two of them to get together at some point but then thought it would be a nono and get their ass in trouble for like supporting overly wide age gaps in dating. I mean come on this guy had to be at least like 30 and she was like 15. That’s nasty. When she was a baby he was like hanging out in troll high school probably making out with all the troll girls in his class. Because in my mind he’s a huge sluuuuuut.

Then there was this really cool monster thing that got rocks to roll towards him. He was similar to a really hairy Hulk except the Hulk can’t summon rocks. Just imagine that. If you get shitty with someone, you can be like, growling and then all of the sudden you close down 465 because there’s rocks everywhere. That would kick ass. Or you could cancel work indefinitely. That’s a nice prospect. You just can’t let people find out it’s you doing it. If I were me, I would blame it on the weird guy who doesn’t talk a lot. Or the smelly kid. Or IT.

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Sweet Talkin’ Ken on the Phone

Vanessa and I play with this talking Ken doll that I make say bad things.

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